


You're my air; Let me breathe you in — feel you

by devourme



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Cruise Ships, Fighting, Gen, Karma - Freeform, Reuniting, Sad Louis, hostility
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-30
Updated: 2014-11-30
Packaged: 2018-02-10 12:12:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2024724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/devourme/pseuds/devourme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes appreciating someone is all it really takes. Louis only figures this out after he thinks Harry's dead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're my air; Let me breathe you in — feel you

It's a warm, Wednesday morning, also known as the opening of the Britannia cruise liner for plenty, impatient British men and women. The sky is a bright shade of turquoise blue, a contrast to the many dull days straight through August to April in England and already seagulls are flying in continuous circles in pairs, occasionally craw'ing and the air smells of fresh sea water, fish and chips, citizens tanning on the golden sand of the cool beach, happy British children and melting ice-cream and it _reeks_ of May.

But in between that all, there's a downside as well.

"You don't have to go, Harry," it tugs _so_ badly at Harry's heart because Louis is never like this.

"I do."

"Why?"

"I want to stay. But, I've been waiting to go on this cruise liner since forever."

"You haven't."

"I have, you just never listened."

"You can go next year and the year after, and the year after that year."

"I'll call every night, promise."

"Okay."

"I love you."

He doesn't get an _I love you_ in return, but the way Louis wraps him in his arms and nestles his head into his shoulder is all Harry needed.

/ _i still havent figured out what love is but with you by my side i'm sure i'm close to it_ /

(a year ago.)

maybe louis was having a rough day at university, harry tells himself, but it continues to drag on to days, weeks and harry's afraid they won't last.

so one warm night in june, straight after the couple had had their last serving of food for the day, louis decides to bug out on dessert and it matters a lot to harry, he has /not/ just spent his entire saturday afternoon baking a cheesecake for louis, especially. so with tear stained cheeks, red eyes and a sore chest harry barges into their bedroom where louis is probably dosing off by now. the master bedroom no longer brings harry any significant happiness, because the room louis once made love to him with a bottle of champagne and told him many, many times he /is/ the only one for him has changed dramatically over the past few months to a war zone for the two. practically a war zone.

harry decides to back out and leave once he finds a snoring louis, but instead louis shuffles under the covers and peaks out from underneath them. he sighs.

"do you want something?"

"i want to talk,"

louis groans and throws the duvet over his head again, "you always want to."

"that's because you never listen," harry objects and it's true, he always pushes him to the side because obviously what harry has to say isn't important enough.

"i'm listening now."

harry sits down onto their bed and louis is still under the sheets, already trying his best to dose off and ignore any potential conversations with harry, he thinks, maybe he should get up and leave and wait for something good to happen. but it won't, he decides.

"we fight a lot," harry says, "and i don't have any idea how this all started or how we landed up this way, like,"

louis cuts in, "that's what couples do, harry, they fight, you're such a kindergarten learner. this is. getting old, grow up already."

"tell me that when you break another lampshade." harry is a bit angry but he always, always maintains his anger. having both of them throwing shitty ornaments and lampshades around won't help their relationship in anyway.

"fuck it, you're such a child. harry, we go over this every single time and then you want to know what starts the arguments, well you have your answer now."

"there you go again. you keep telling me i start them, whereas i'm only trying to stop all of this,"

"maybe, just maybe if you shut the fuck up for once you could stop it." louis almost yells angrily, but this isn't new to harry, if anything it's old, back and fourth crap he hates hearing.

"all i wanted was to talk to you and you do this and you call me the child!"

"you /are/ a fucking child, it's like you never, ever age,"

"you know what, louis," harry says and shakes his head, "i can't do this."

"are you implying that we are finished?" louis asks and really, he's annoyed. he squints at harry in astonishment because harry never reacts this way, he's usually the calm, settled one, not this way.

"you tell me." harry says and gets up from their bed.

"fuck off, harry."

it doesn't end there.

_

it's late july and it's louis' mums birthday and the constant arguments are already weighing each other out and it's terrifying harry, because they were never like this and day and day on it gets worse, worse and worse.

the sun doesn't shine as bright as it does back home and the streets aren't filled with children devouring their ice-creams. this side of england is cold, dull and gloomy, the road is matted with mud and holes and literally, they're driving on egg shells because this is how yorkshire is now and the only reason to believe that this really /is/ yorkshire and not some old, groggy town is the white, chipped board that reads in cursive writing 'welcome to yorkshire' with bright, yellow sunflowers and lily's spread on the field.

"did you get the bouquet of flowers in the lounge for your mum?" harry asks while they're driving down louis' families street.

"yes."

"okay."

the atmosphere is thick with tension and harry holds onto the gift bag a bit too hard, but he silently rejoices, as finally, the white face brick home comes into view. it's hard to miss the sea of flowers louis' mum plants every single week and the massive charcoal coloured door right in the center, with a white pot plant beside it.

when harry and louis were much more happy with one another, some weekends they'd visit yorkshire (harry would help johanna plant new flower seeds and louis would groan, complaining about it and later on he'd tease harry, saying he was job shadowing when he cleaned the garden, even though he wasn't) or cheshire or even stay home, /together/. but of course, that also changed.

_

"thank you for the lovely crockery, honey," johanna tells harry as she nabs her fork through her strawberry cake.

the atmosphere isn't as thick with tension as it was before, back in the car, because the tomlinsons are so natural and it's always nice to have a cuppa with them, especially on chilly days like this. he just wishes it could be as easy as this with louis.

"you're welcome, jay. i didn't know if you'd like the floral or plain white set better, so i chose both." he says.

the twins are talking to louis about a new book they've read and he pretends to be interested, even though harry knows he isn't. he rolls his eyes at the older boy and gulps down his glass of water. all of louis' cousins, aunts and uncles are at jay's birthday dinner, as well as her mom and dad and her fiance. and to add to her birthday, she's also pregnant. so it wasn't really a surprise when jay received a lime green rattle and photo album from her brother howard.

"that one is very special, jay." howard says as he lifts his glass of champagne to his lips and his wife laughs from next to him.

"why is that?"

"because it's from your favourite brother," he says and the room erupts in laughter as johanna unwraps the yellow and blue wrapping paper.

"you're my only brother."

harry grins and looks over at louis, he's sat on the love seat across from the fireplace with his hands behind his head, and he looks the least bit of interested in any of the presents, the only interest being in his mum.

harry doesn't know how they've ended up this way or how they've suddenly started treating each other like shit, they're so ridiculously hostile towards each other, louis more, harry thinks and it's true.

"hey," harry says as he sits next to louis.

"i'm going to the bathroom." louis tells harry and walks away.

it has been like that for a while now, being them constantly fighting and in the end harry would try his best to talk to louis but maybe just maybe it's too late and louis has lost interest, maybe it's time to let go. the rest of the guests are already caught up in the gift phoebe and daisy gave jay, and apparently it's the most adorable thing. harry stands up and tries his best to smile at jay as he leaves the room to smoke a cigarette outside.

//i want you to undress your heart and show me how much it hurts so that i can show you how i intend to make it stop//  
_

"you haven't even spoken to your mum tonight," harry informs louis while they're under the covers in their bed, it's even more cold than it was in yorkshire this afternoon.

louis puffs, "i have."

"barely, only wishing her and saying goodbye doesn't count." harry /tries/ to laugh a bit and louis turns onto his side, harry stares up at the ceiling and bites the inside of his cheek.

"louis, i miss you."

"i'm here, i'm always there."

"it's like you're here and you're not here,"

"what does that mean?" this is the first time they've spoken without screaming or harry crying.

"i want this to stop."

"harry, i'm tired, i'm cold and it's late."

"stop running away from our problems, louis." harry sits up.

"i'm not. just, we don't have any problems, harry, you're overreacting again."

"we hardly ever talk even though we sleep in the same bed, yeah, we don't have problems."

"you're so undeniably annoying, harry. fuck, just stop."

_

it's august and it got a bit worse than before and really, harry is contemplating on breaking up with louis but he /still/ loves louis way too much and that's the thing.

"where were you?"

"with liam and zayn."

"i'm going to ask them, then."

"why would you want to do that?" louis asks, "don't even think for a fucking second i'm cheating on you, i don't, i won't."

"how do i know if that's the truth?"

"because you trust me, harry,"

"i'm so done, louis, i really am."

"don't be ridiculous."

"always."

"fuck it, this is so irrational,"

"why do you have to make it so hard for the both of us, lou?"

"stop being a brat, harry," louis says and shakes his head, "sometimes, i wonder why i'm even with you."

"/why/ are you?" harry asks and wipes a tear away, because this isn't new, he's okay. so he walks away with too much pain, now, but still with so much love for this boy.

//i'm already numb and i hope you understood the way i understand this feeling//

_

"don't call me that many times again." louis is drunk, his breath warm and his hands cold as he shoves past harry.

"i only wanted to know where you were,"

"fuck, i was out with some friends!"

"who?"

"damn you, harry, i was with jake and liam, is that enough for you?"

"you're never home anymore, louis,"

"i have university."

"and meeting up with your friends at pubs, every weekend. you don't even live here anymore, i miss you."

"it's always about you, harry," louis' hands are pulling by his white t-shirt and harry tenses up, because this really /is/ new, "you're selfish."

louis puffs out, his face scarlet and he looks as if he's about to lose it any second, harry tenses up because they've had one too many arguments but louis would never hit harry.

louis let's go from his t-shirt and harry exhales, "can't you see i'm trying?" harry asks.

"not hard enough, then." he calms down.

"you're possibly the most important thing to me,"

"you deserve something worthwhile. you deserve another heart, like yours."

//i know you loved me, even with a fist almost in your face, your eyes closed and i wonder why you still adore my embrace//

 

(current day.)  
/louis' pov for good/

It's still warm out and Louis is sat on the porch of Harry and his home, in his shorts, smoking a cigarette. The many flowers Harry decided on planting are still blooming and Louis should probably water them everyday since Harry isn't here, but he really couldn't care about them.

He lights his third cigarette and downs his fifth glass of liquor for the day, it's already well past seven pm. Harry had promised he would phone.

_

It's nine pm now, but still Louis hadn't received any texts or phone calls from Harry, but it's understandable. He probably doesn't have any signal, he's in the middle of the goddamn ocean.

Just as Louis tucks himself into bed his phone goes off and with a bit of hope and relief he answers, but it isn't Harry nor is it Gemma. Louis stammers and the phone falls to the ground, because that's impossible - Harry's not dead.

//and as my heart sinks tonight, the water choking me inside-out, i can only hope that you're mine and i'm still yours and this would be over in time//

_

It's already October, days grew shorter, nights grew longer and the heavy storms picked up. It's cold, gloomy and dull once more and everybody's indoors.

"I've always been cold, haven't I?" Louis says to himself. And really nobody was supposed to hear it.

"Still are,"

"I know, too often at most times."

"Stop then," Zayn says.

"Is trying achieving?"

"Yeah."

"I will try, then." Louis giggles.

//its time you saw what you have caused, lying to yourself, you're okay, you're fine - what a terrible, heartbreaking lie//

_

It's February and there's a heatwave in London. The city is warm, vibrant and happy but Louis isn't. He's too busy dreaming about someone who'll never return.

//the tables have turned//

"It's nearly been a year already, Louis." Liam is rubbing his back, /always/ is. Especially on the really, really bad days like today.

"Easy for you to say," Louis wipes his eyes with his back hand, "you've never watched your world crumble in your hands and you sure as hell weren't the one to cause it."

_

One rainy evening in late February, Louis is helping Niall out at his little diner as per usual. Room 94 and Kitten! The Band are playing softly on the radio and Louis is humming along to all of the songs as he serves a few customers and Niall's flipping a few pancakes over.

A tall boy stumbles into the diner, drunk, happy and so alive - a girl beside him. He presses a kiss to her cheek, she giggles and this sight looks so foreign, it's hurting Louis over and over and over.

//and this air - it's choking me - like those ocean waves - or so you've said - and i finally feel your pain, it's bitter sweet, i'm numb. you've returned, the tables have turned//

Louis is in too much shock and Niall hasn't met the /deceased/ Harry, so the poor lad wouldn't know at all.

With clammy hands and an unnatural beating heart, Louis hands Harry two peppermint teas, "you haven't changed a bit." Harry is telling him and it's hurting him over and over and over.

"You have,"

"That's a good thing."

"I thought you were dead," the shock is still there and a tear slides down his cheek, he makes sure Harry doesn't see.

"I've died twice, the first time I /couldn't/ get any saving." Harry only says and leaves, only two days later Louis understands this.

//you took my heart, watched it pound in your fist, didn't i say i died twice?//

_

A week later, Louis bumps into Harry and he knows now that it /is/ fate and fate has given him another chance with him. He would at least try to not mess it up again.

Harry is alone this time, he seems passive and alive where has the life in Louis gone? //the tables have turned//

Louis didn't expect to break down in front of Harry, in fact, he hadn't expected to even meet Harry ever again.

"Tell me what happened," He insists and he's crying now, it's hurting him over and over and over. He /finally/ feels how Harry has always felt.

"Where were you, Harry?"

"I was in Florida, I told you I've always loved that place."

"You haven't."

"I have, you just never listened."

"You left me when I needed you, why weren't you there?"

"Those times I needed you, you weren't there either, always yelling at me instead, I didn't leave you. You left /us/"

"I was always there, I told you so,"

"You were there and you weren't."

"I don't understand," Louis looks up at Harry, "I've caused you so much pain back then but you stayed, Harry."

Harry stays quiet.

"Why did you leave after only?"

"The world is pain and without pain, there wouldn't be life - pain is life, we have to endure it. I did it for you, Louis. You were my pain, my life."

Harry leaves after that and Louis doesn't say anything.

//and now you're walking on glass, i'm watching you - you're almost there. don't give up - take the pain//

_

The Sunday morning, Harry strides into Niall's diner and orders cherry pie for Louis - his all time favourite - and joins home for some tea.

"I can't believe you still remembered after all this time," Louis finishes up the pie.

"Just because our relationship died, doesn't mean our memories died too."

Harry grins and Louis grins back too.

"So where is your girlfriend?" The words taste so bitter on his tongue.

"She went back to Florida."

"I've told you once that you deserved a heart to match your own, you've found it." Louis says and it's hurting him over and over and over.

//i've wasted enough time, you'll always be my love, my hearts keeper but you're not mine//

_

//i told you that you were selfish - it was only because i was afraid of pain so i caused it upon you instead//

A month later in early March, Louis is at home and he gets a call from Zayn who instructs him to go down to Niall's diner and all the while Liam is giggling on the end of the other line like a schoolgirl.

Louis is greeted by Harry, a daisy in his left hand - the only flower Louis really liked.

"I've found that heart," Harry says.

"Yeah?"

"It's yours - you're my pain, you're my life, Louis." He hands the daisy to the boy.

"I won't hurt you again, baby, promise," Louis is all tears, love and honesty as he holds Harry in his arms since a year.

"I know you won't, Lou." Harry whispers and a tear of his own falls.

"How?"

"Because this time you need me and I'll stay."

//you have shone brighter than any other star. you are the world, the nature around you and even now i love you more than before, there is life in me and its all because of you//

**Author's Note:**

> Find me at nauticalfond on the Twits


End file.
